My not so green thumb

So all of that in the last post is basically for naught. I'm so upset. Here's what happened.

The tomatoes were left outside to bask in the sun. One day I knew it was going to rain so I made sure to bring in my bras flapping in the breeze and everything else I could think of. What happens the next day?? Chaim brings in the tomatoes, which we forgot outside. :( The few that survived Zalah pulled up by the roots. She also did this to some plants Chaim was trying to re-root and she broke part of the garlic off, but at least that part wasn't so damaging. We tried to replant tomato seeds, but by this point if they actually grow, it will be pretty late in the season to see fruit, like what happened last year. :(

I'm counting on that little guy in the front, but I don't want to hold out too much hope!

We had nice little basil sprouts. I don't even think I had a picture of them. So of course, when I watered them and went to return them to their windowsill, I undershot, bumped the edge and spilled the whole thing all over the floor. Bye bye basil. I tried to replant the basil as well as some parsley, but the dirt was too wet. So I mixed in more dirt to get the right consistency but now it looks too packed down and I don't know if the sprouts can break through. It's not well draining at all. How bad can you be at making dirt!?!?!

Next, the garlic. Ah the garlic was growing so well. It's so easy, isn't it?? So we decide it's high time to plant them outside, the roots were packed in their little containers, and we had two to a small pot! Well, guess how I felt when I look online just to double check the best time to plant them (mid spring, early spring?) and see FALL. WHAT? So much for that. We attempted a shady spot and hopefully it won't be too hot for them to grow. Over watering can also be a problem, and it is spring. So we'll see how that goes.

The garlic

I did learn that you can eat those green tops, so that's something at least.

Speaking of garlic, I also read that it's good to put a layer of compost on top. Well. The compost is not ready. (Though I have to say, it does look good.) Maybe if we were smart and did it all last summer and through the year it would have been ready by now. Grrr.

Lastly, I planted the cucumbers. Might as well at this point, right? So who knows how they will turn out. The soil is supposed to be warmer, but I didn't want to wait and I didn't start them inside so whatever. Those 3 sticks in the back are where each group of seeds are. The kids helped me put 4 seeds in each hill, and if they grow I can then thin them down. It looks a little dry, but it's supposed to rain tomorrow and the rest of the month, so it will be plenty watered. I hope something sprouts!



Oh, and in case you guys are wondering, the spot by the fence is actually fairly sunny for most of the day. The reason I say the garlic is in a 'shady' spot while the "real" garden pictured above is the sunniest spot is because the garlic is along the fence back by where the shed is, and when the sun gets too far west it becomes shady again. So the garlic spot has some sun, while the main garden should get a lot of sun. The idea was to put the tomatoes in the back there, but I hope it doesn't stay shady there for too long in the day. I took this picture at about 11am. It's almost noon and it's sunny there now.

So that's that. This is year two of a slight interest in gardening while really knowing nothing of what to do! And the more we learn, we still don't know enough. It's actually quite sad. We would have either known what to do back in the old days, or just not have been very successful and healthy individuals! I wish planting wasn't a dying art. I wish it came standard with learning long division, phonics and the history of New Jersey. :(

Also, it is GORGEOUS today. Really.

The Return

One Quick Thing. . . then again, it's me we're talking about

I just have one quick tip I'd like to share. Put your scallions and herbs in a wet paper towel, fold it around the base and store in the fridge in a produce bag (I reuse mine, and actually I hardly have them since I buy my produce loose). The water keeps them fresh and I think even growing. These scallions are a few days old and are firm and luscious.

I love scallions!

Come to think of it, remember when I mentioned Chaim's other other night job? And how I started this blog the day he got fired? So it's been about two years since then and we found out his unemployment is ending in two weeks. :( This is after an error in which they held about three weeks, which we had to go in in person and refute and still are waiting for it to come through. But it doesn't really matter so much because it's basically over. So now what? I have no idea. We're trying the gardening thing again, have a nice compost started, but something tells me we'll need more than that to live on. Hmmm.

The heat and hot water isn't on, which is a pain but hopefully the oil truck will come again tomorrow.

And children, why don't they sleep?? Do they want to be zombies? It's after 10, and I still hear Lyla in the room. Meanwhile I'm ready to pass out!

In case I didn't say so on here yet, Z is basically officially potty trained. So that's awesome! Lyla is officially in the middle of TERRIBLE TWOS!! NOT AWESOME!!!

I'll keep you posted on the news.

Trying to Learn Hebrew

My newest feat (besides knitting and reading) has been trying to learn some Hebrew. I'm pretty serious about it and I think of it often, but I feel like it's so daunting. I wonder if I'll ever be able to express myself in another language as well as I do in English. . . Scratch that, as well as I want to in English. Maybe wanting to use more specific words will force me to learn more of them. I sure hope so.

On another note, I miss many of the things that we stopped doing when we moved here like composting. I want to try and pick that up again. I feel like cloth diapering is totally out, which is sad because if I had a washer and drier, I probably would have never stopped. I also hope Z potty trains soon so that diapers IN GENERAL are in the end of their phase.

Additionally, I am happy to report that Z has been better (or maybe I've been more patient). I feel like she's whining less (or again, like I'm dealing with it better). I feel like she really gets upset the most when there is something she feels she has to do and for some reason she can't. Either frustration or a parent telling her to stop what she's doing for various reasons (for example, if she wants something, but we think she's going to hurt herself the way she's going about getting it). She's been really helpful and sweet and even eating better. She still does her stubborn thing or doesn't want to listen, just like every kid, but she's pretty awesome. Lyla is definitely entering her "2's", but she's still pretty rockin' as well. I love how much they love each other. I really feel like we have such a cool little unit going on.

That reminds me. Some times people think I want, or will want, more kids. I suppose the idea could come to me, but I really don't think I'll seriously want more. Kids are cute, and I do like them, but there are so many reasons I don't want to even go there. For one, I can't afford it. I don't think it would be fair to the kids that ALREADY exist to make more that I don't, as of right now, have ANY obligation to. I have a hard enough time paying attention and caring for Z and L, and I stress SO much, more than anything, about providing for them. Making more, if I can help it, is not really part of the solution.

Secondly, they are so close in age and relationship that any new baby years later will be totally on it's own like an only child. That, and I'm really not interested in having another one so soon, even if I were financially able, and I'm SURELY not interested in having any after 30 (I'm physically destroyed enough as it is. Don't believe me? I pee myself). So there is the impossiblility of a time frame that just doesn't exist. I really love having them as my two little ones, and that they have each other. Sure, I said I wanted more before I had any, but as many new parents soon learn, you tend to change your mind about something once you actually learn what it's like!

And I suppose that's it for now.

A little bit Jealous

I've noticed over the past few months I sometimes feel a little jealous of my single-child friends. I tried to not to let it show, but after thinking about it, I feel like its something I can address and be honest about.

I know that when its your only child it can be hard because its the first time, the whole thing is new, and even one kid can be a difficult. (Yes, I'm looking at you, Mr. Bright Eyes Van Luyn!) ;)

Now, I want to appreciate that I have two adorable kids, and I do, but its definitely hard to hear other parents complain. I felt like I would get along well and relate to other parents, but I just feel like I'm completely losing my mind and would do anything to get a moments peace. Because the truth is, when I'm with just ONE kid, GOSH life seems so much easier. I know its probably all bullshit, but it just seems like life would be so gloriously easy. I feel like I would have had the opportunity to play with the child and talk to the child and actually focus on that one child. Even just to WORRY about just one child. Go out with them and feed them, and maybe myself, deal with their tantrums with full attention, stop them from creating twice as much of a mess, hug them, nap with them, take pictures of them, basically be like a team. And in all honesty, I miss that.

They are so close, I barely remember having just one. And even though I did want a sibling for Zalah eventually, even for that short time, I was sort of upset that Lyla was coming along so soon. (Not that she isn't totally awesome.) I wanted to cherish those moments, and well, I never really could. At least not unencumbered by other things going on around us due to the other kid. Granted, its even easier when the one I have to watch for the time being is Lyla, because she is so sweet and easy going. But even when its Zalah, who is a more difficult personality BY FAR as well as at a more difficult age, its still easier than both since the attention is all on her. Sometimes I think if I had two "Lyla" type personalities it might be better, but just more than one person to keep your eye on is always a lot. Parents who have more than two I think are just crazy. Once you hit two, you should know better!! :P

People who come from big families say that they all were treated with love as individuals, but I find it hard to believe. How can ONE woman physically take care of a large number of children, let alone nurture them and talk to them on a deeper level?

So really its a combination of everything: the fact that there are two, that they are so close in age and the fact that *one of them* is soooooo much more difficult to deal with.

Now before you think I'm evil, let me say that I do love Zalah, she's quirky and silly and cute and super smart. But WOW is she tough. She's not really super aggressive or mean, but she's BOSSY, PICKY, and WHINY.

1. She tells us what to do. She doesn't listen. When she wants it, she means NOW. She bosses Lyla around and tries to discipline her and even hurts her because she doesn't realize her strength. She sees what we do, but when *we* do something to discipline them, we know how to do it without actually causing damage. But she's only 2 so she doesn't know better.
2. She won't eat ANYTHING. The only thing she really eats is grains. Not just 'white' things, but just bread-products. Pasta, cereal, that kind of thing. Sometimes cheese, or whatever it is that week. I have to follow her around with everything and still she hardly eats. At least not variety. Even when she asks for these foods specifically, she usually doesn't finish it, if she even takes a bite. I remember it taking an HOUR to get her to eat a jar of baby food. :
   
3. She whines about EVERYTHING. She really can whine and cry for most of the day. This is partly age, but I remember how much I couldn't stand her behavior at 1+ years, while Lyla is almost two and she's so different. She hurts herself often. Really often. She 'sees' things in her room at night, she's always insulted or sad or hurt. This girl hardly ever smiles. Its sort of sad actually. :( She's the most serious kid I ever met. And she won't let you do what you need to do and have to do. So of course we want to be parents and set the limit, but it comes with whining whining whining. We can't stand it. Also, it brings in previously mentioned discipline, and then she thinks she can do it to everyone else too. She says she knows she is not the boss, but she doesn't act like it!

Just as I was writing this she broke a glass. And once I started typing again and took her off my lap, she cries. Now Lyla can have her freak outs too, but she usually doesn't cry as easily. Though sometimes when she does she just goes onnnnn and onnnn.

Still, I'm glad they have each other to be close to and start trouble with, because they're all the siblings each other is ever going to get!!!

Natural Remedies

Probably because I always say I never wash my hair, my mother in law had mentioned a shampoo like product that doesn't actually wash out your natural oils and was supposed to be better for you. It turns out it was WEN cleansing conditioner and when I googled it, I wasn't sure how well it would work, or really, if it would work better than home remedies. I found this awesome site as well, and here are some new and old tips I wanted to list.

Hair: Plain and simple, wash it less if you can. I use vinegar with shampoo occasionally to get rid of build up, but I can't do that every time and definitely think I need shampoo, but I try to use less of it each time now. It can over dry super easily and I find it to be one of the top culprits. I'm not going to lie, its still not a super small amount, since I need to get my scalp clean, but I do use less now and just lather the top. Then I just let it run off instead of drying out my ends by shampooing them. Also try to never dye, bleach, or use heat styling. And go easy on products since they also cause drying. I used to do all of those things but now I don't do any. I sometimes blow dry my bangs with an ion dryer (I try to stick to 'warm') and use 'cool' after wards. I use Bio-silk sparingly and only sometimes, I don't dye, straighten or blow dry my hair anymore, or use any hair sprays, gels, or mousses. The worst of all those things is bleach and heat, just fyi. And occasional of anything is ok too, just be careful!

For conditioning, I like to use hair mayo sometimes and I really like suave with Shea butter as well. I have a Shea butter "leave in" made by Cantu, but its more like a light styling product because it does grease up my hair quicker than normal. But maybe that's a good thing since my hair is usually dry-ish and Shea butter is a protectant. Because of the dryness, I am able to go longer between washes, but the top gets greasy first and this causes break outs. :(

Skin: This is so weird but I swear its true - apparently vinegar is the cure for everything. Its a natural antiseptic which I knew because I clean with it. But if you dilute apple cider vinegar with 3 parts water and use it as an astringent, the results are amazing. Smelly yes. But amazing. It tightens up my pores like WOAH. I even use it under my arms and those bumps that have always plagued me are all but gone. Wow.

Another thing you can use is lemon rind, but it can burn if your skin is sensitive. Sometimes I just use the lemon when its all spent to rub the inside of my steel sink. It gets some grime out and smells nice. I think.

I also sometimes use Tea Tree Oil on stubborn pimples.

I like to follow with cucumber peels all over my face to soothe and help get rid of redness and under eye circles. It also helps wipe off some vinegar smell but I wait for it to dry. I actually let most things dry right on. So many products have cucumber in it and are so costly. I just use the real thing! It works.

This is another newer one for me personally, but I have to attribute it to one more cure. Vaseline. (I know you hate it Amanda!) I already use it for my lips and feet/hands in the winter, and even under my nose when I have a cold. But I started using it around my eyes at night to seal in moisture. I have to say, it REALLY works!! My circles have never been so diminished from any other expensive product. And I think its good for the lashes too. So far no break outs from it either. Then in the morning I wash with CeraVe foaming face wash which is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! It's sort of like Cetaphil but actually gets makeup off. So far I'm just using samples but I hope to buy it soon. It seems to be very highly rated. I still use apricot scrub as well and sometimes other face washes.

I still get deep pimples that don't show, but hurt like hell. I haven't found a way to stop this. Maybe I do over cleanse, but I just hate hate hate them. I also get black heads and bumps, and I sort of have a nervous tendency to pick and them and I really can't stop. Sadly, this creates far worse skin problems than if I could leave them alone.

I also think cocoa butter lotion is the best ever. Any brand.

Edit: As far as skin and hair go, one really great tip is DON'T shower in super hot water. It totally dries out both. It's also a good idea to rinse with cool water too, to seal up the pores/follicles and prevent breakage.

Then there are a few more things that are actually products (and actually not natural) but I'll just put them here anyway.

I have to say, this stuff freaking works. Its not Latisse and I wouldn't want it to be, but I do feel like I lose less lashes and they seem more filled in. Maybe I'm just not wearing makeup as often, since that causes lash loss too.

L'oreal lash boosting serum

Another thing I really like is Maybelline's The Colossal Volum' Express mascara.


I've tried many others and I like this one so much more. I tend to like volume in my mascara and some people do not, but I like this even more than other volume ones. I also like the Cover Girl Lash Blast Fusion which only comes in non-waterproof (I like waterproof) but its about the same caliber as Colossal. SO what bugs the hell out of me is why Maybelline wastes so much money on their stupid The Falsies campaign when everyone hates that mascara! >:( Just google the images to see the before and after. Even people who say they like it look like hell. For real. That's all.

Hood Life (Or something like it)

As most of you may know, we've moved to an area that's not quite the ghetto, it's just next door. Well there are many things I like about living here, such as sidewalks, shops we can walk to and overall friendly people. My mother in law says I get a sick thrill from walking through the hood. Oh? I think I just like to get my stuff done. But even the hollering boosts your self esteem even though you really know you look like shit and they guys are just constantly practicing with any and everyone 'to keep their game up'.

But there are some down sides, not the first of which is that Chaim's bike was very early on stolen from our back yard. (Don't worry, we hopped in the Batmobile down to the hood and found it ;D)

One thing that super sucks is that we don't have laundry access. I probably complained about this before because I knew it would mean the end of cloth diapering, which I was really upset about. (Though Chaim surely isn't...) It costs a hell of a lot more and we frequently run out of disposables. And I don't think I'll ever feel ok with throwing so many diapers out either. AND maybe Z would be potty trained too. :'(

But another two things that suck about it is the COST and the LOCATION. Granted, there are tons of laundromats around. Probably to be within walking distance of just about everyone. And they are. BUT with a double stroller I just can't make the distance. We finally dropped the $30 and bought a cart with wheels to bring our stuff around (everyone here has them-everyone!) but I can't push that and the stroller at once. I've tried to carry one baby and have the other walk, but that was before we even had the cart and even with it its still hard to have one walk and not run into crazy traffic while steering those bulky things. I've even thought of bungeeing the stroller and cart together! Now, when Chaim is around OR if I have the car, there is no problem. I just put all the kids and laundry in the car and go. Yea, its a pain to do laundry with the two little ones but there's no choice there. Or, if Chaim is home and I have the car, I can just go without them. That's the best. OR when we have car problems and therefore NO car, which seems to be the case often enough, we go with the stroller, the cart and two parents. BUT if there's no car and no husband, I can't go at all. Not unless I had a sitter and you can guess how often that's happened. When we lived upstate, we could never walk to a laundromat. As a matter of fact, I've never even been to one before moving here. But I didn't have to. We had machines in the house. They didn't always work and they were always full of our landlords stuff but at least they were there. Now if we have a barf crisis it really can become a crisis. Add that to the fact my cat is sick and peeing on EVERYONE'S bed WHILE the car is busted, and yea. Problems.

The same goes for food stores. We have a few bodegas but they sort of suck. Even the closest kosher store is one of the furthest walking-distance food stores and its not great. I can now carry some stuff in the stroller thanks to the new stroller having a basket on the bottom, but I can't get so much that I'd need the cart, because again, I can't push it while I have the kids. And stuff does get a bit beat up on the ride. :\

Another thing that sucks is that in this area you'd think there would be awesome public transportation. After all, so many people rely on it and we are the last few stops on the A train. But no, that too fails us. The stop closest to us only works going east, to the ONE LAST stop after it. Point!? So we can walk to that one or better yet, to the one further up, one stop closer to the city. But on the weekends, they are ALL closed. Yep. Not only is it the weekend schedule which takes about three hours to get anywhere, but they have to shuttle you all the way up the Rockaways to get on the subway. Now with kids, the shuttle bus becomes an ok-lets-stay-home-instead. Often, when the car worked, we just drove it to Brooklyn or Queens proper and took a train from there. Speaking of trains, they are so not stroller friendly. The city and Brooklyn are bad, but the Rockaways don't know the meaning of the word 'elevator'. I'm hoping to get a job in the city, and its good that at least I can get to the train without a ride, and the ride is probably just as long as it was from upstate, but its clearly far from seamless. At least if its for work there won't be kids with me and I can actually USE stairs. Gosh I miss those sometimes. Maybe that's why I'm getting portly.

This isn't really the fault of moving, but its really amazing how we walk or bike everywhere. You'd think I'd lose so much weight, yet I haven't lost a thing. Before I was just doing stuff at home and occasionally using the treadmill there. Here, I've walked FAR more than I ever did upstate, biked more, and even ran more the few times I've gotten to the gym (which I bike to). I still do those small workouts in my room and stretch, the only thing I don't do is breastfeed. Well apparently that's the kicker. I'm back at my pre-pregnancy weight which is normal I guess but I was hoping I could stay where I was while nursing. I remember before I was pregnant I couldn't lose an ounce either. Not while eating at least, and I like eating. :D

We totally are into biking and its a good thing that so many things are close, or at least in biking distance, including Chaim's job at night when we really don't have a car. But as with the doing-ANYTHING-without-a-husband situation, I can't bike to any of these places without someone home with the kids.

Some things like a car or washer and dryer are definitely a huge investment and upfront cost. But sometimes I think not having them is even worse. At least if you have a washer you can use it as often as needed and though the water and energy bills will go up, at least you don't have to pay the same standard price for the machine. Not having a car means you have to pay for EVERY little ride/train/subway you take to get anywhere past walking distance. Often there is no way to get to where you need to be and car services are crazy. I don't even know if you can bother with car seats in them or how costly it would be for them to wait for you so you don't have to take the seats out while at an appointment or shopping. It becomes impossible.

Two in one sidetrack combo: The car, by the way, really does go on you when you need it most. I've had such a stressful week with not having the car while I needed to get my cat to the vet for a UTI. I wanted to BIKE to him if it meant getting there. He's about 6.5 miles away (and there's a stupid toll) but without a sitter (or car) I could not do it with the kids. Side track #2, you REALLY can't do anything with kids. Wow. When people say life as you know it is over, I assumed having fun and doing things for you. But no, it means being able to LIVE and go where you truly NEED to go. I feel like having kids makes me too busy to even be able to take care of kids. For example, the laundry situation coupled with the other problems we had today makes it impossible to get the kids peed on sheets washed for them. Chaim missed class to get it taken care of but that was all we could do. We just could not have time to do laundry. Or money really. I'm really surprised and thankful and PROUD that they were fed and changed while dealing with the car-cat-crisis situation today. That's how hard it is some days. That's how much it sucks.

As a plus, there are TONS of car shops around here. I don't know why, since so many people rely on public transit (good luck) but I guess many people have cars too. I guess there's just a whole lot of many people out here.

Another thing that bothers me about the lots of many people, is that SO SO SO many of them use the "N-word". We don't say the N word. We don't even JOKE about it. And even if I was plastered drunk and going native and saying it "in a friendly way" it still won't be uttered in front of the kids. Its just not something I want them to say. Well, now that they hear it 1,034,984,352,986,429,034 times a day, we'll have to see how that turns out.

It's actually pretty sad. There were little kids at the park the other day and they kept calling each other crack heads. Not everyone here is irresponsible/on drugs/bad parents etc, but its really sad that you hear it from the mouths of babes. :(

I also feel like its so expensive to live here, or anywhere really. But to be "broke" and in an economically disadvantaged area...yea its not so great. There are obviously not a lot of jobs close by, and you have to pay for EVERYTHING like laundry, rides etc. and almost always in cash. But more than that, when you're really broke, you get the crappiest stuff. Like we've had breathing issues since moving here since its more of a basement than the last place, but the last place had it too. We keep our apartments very clean, but there's always stagnation and sometimes mold in basements so I really feel like poor people just can't get good health. Never mind health CARE, which we have (when we can get a WAY to the office....also never mind that clinics seriously take all day. You can't do ANYTHING else.) Just that poor people aren't allowed to be or STAY healthy. Now that's fucked up. Some people don't believe health care is a right. I disagree, but we *should* all agree that people shouldn't get fucked over for not having more money. There are laws against it, but yea, no one cares. Maybe if everything was taken care of, from peeling paint to affordable healthy food, there wouldn't need to be such high bills for health care in these areas. And its sad but true, soo so so so many people here have a limp. I always thought that was a stereotype...but they do. (Shootings too but that's different. Maybe related. I don't know.)

Other things include broken glass everywhere, the pain in the ass of switching information over here, finding new doctors, getting to/dealing with the medicaid/food stamp office, people's dogs etc. And maybe its a fucked up stereotype and I'm usually so against them that people call me naive, but I do also worry about people around here especially if we're talking about daycare or something like that. And I don't mean one group I mean ANYONE. Even a Jewish place. The best ones of course I can't afford, so it would have to be peoples houses. And just in general I'm so used to being with the kids that I worry about ANYONE with them, but a daycare/full time babysitter would really have to feed them and deal with them on a longer term basis. The only people I know and trust work during the day lol.

I'm sure there is more but I just felt compelled to write about that for now.