So ever since I started blogging, I've gone through many waves of insanity and a level of comfort with that insanity. I know there are harder things than having two kids so close together, but I'm definitely not the type of person who can handle much more! So, often, I feel a lot of stress about parenting, being stuck at home, and not having 'adult time'. A lot of things have helped this, like belly dancing, nicer weather, and most importantly, the kids getting older and listening somewhat more and growing into little people with a schedule (somewhat) and conversation skills. It's actually sort of neat. :)
But I know I have to work. If I want to or not. Chaim's unemployment did end, and while he's still a student right now and I have to be home to watch the kids while he studies, we do need to make ends meet. Chaim has a summer semester to do, and I don't know how much we can really work during that time, but once that is over with we'll have a year of no-school to make some money. After that, hopefully, he'll get into a nursing school for fall 2012.
The thing is, I do want to make money and not be paranoid about needing it, and some jobs even seem a little fun, though I'm not planning on getting a dream job anytime soon, just something for now. Another big milestone happened, I registered Zalah for nursery school. She's so smart, and definitely needs it, but it was scary to think of paying anything extra. So of course if she's away all day there's even less of a reason not to work. The hope is that I'll do mornings for example, and Chaim will do nights. We'll never see each other, but Lyla will be home with us and we'll save on babysitting costs. Then next year we hope to get a UPK program which is half off regular price for a full day so both kids will definitely go, and by that point they'll really need it with the way today's kindergartens are set up in the city.
But I think I'll actually miss being home. Part of me got used to making things at home from scratch and gardening and being able to be green and go out with the kids. During the winter it's just so easy to take being home for granted, because it almost feels like prison. But with the ever impending idea that I may have to spend 40 hours a week at a Stop n' Shop cash register is really starting to bum me out. I guess I should be thankful for all the small blessings we're able to have when we have them.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Friday, April 29, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
My not so green thumb
So all of that in the last post is basically for naught. I'm so upset. Here's what happened.
The tomatoes were left outside to bask in the sun. One day I knew it was going to rain so I made sure to bring in my bras flapping in the breeze and everything else I could think of. What happens the next day?? Chaim brings in the tomatoes, which we forgot outside. :( The few that survived Zalah pulled up by the roots. She also did this to some plants Chaim was trying to re-root and she broke part of the garlic off, but at least that part wasn't so damaging. We tried to replant tomato seeds, but by this point if they actually grow, it will be pretty late in the season to see fruit, like what happened last year. :(
I'm counting on that little guy in the front, but I don't want to hold out too much hope!
We had nice little basil sprouts. I don't even think I had a picture of them. So of course, when I watered them and went to return them to their windowsill, I undershot, bumped the edge and spilled the whole thing all over the floor. Bye bye basil. I tried to replant the basil as well as some parsley, but the dirt was too wet. So I mixed in more dirt to get the right consistency but now it looks too packed down and I don't know if the sprouts can break through. It's not well draining at all. How bad can you be at making dirt!?!?!
Next, the garlic. Ah the garlic was growing so well. It's so easy, isn't it?? So we decide it's high time to plant them outside, the roots were packed in their little containers, and we had two to a small pot! Well, guess how I felt when I look online just to double check the best time to plant them (mid spring, early spring?) and see FALL. WHAT? So much for that. We attempted a shady spot and hopefully it won't be too hot for them to grow. Over watering can also be a problem, and it is spring. So we'll see how that goes.
The garlic
Lastly, I planted the cucumbers. Might as well at this point, right? So who knows how they will turn out. The soil is supposed to be warmer, but I didn't want to wait and I didn't start them inside so whatever. Those 3 sticks in the back are where each group of seeds are. The kids helped me put 4 seeds in each hill, and if they grow I can then thin them down. It looks a little dry, but it's supposed to rain tomorrow and the rest of the month, so it will be plenty watered. I hope something sprouts!
Oh, and in case you guys are wondering, the spot by the fence is actually fairly sunny for most of the day. The reason I say the garlic is in a 'shady' spot while the "real" garden pictured above is the sunniest spot is because the garlic is along the fence back by where the shed is, and when the sun gets too far west it becomes shady again. So the garlic spot has some sun, while the main garden should get a lot of sun. The idea was to put the tomatoes in the back there, but I hope it doesn't stay shady there for too long in the day. I took this picture at about 11am. It's almost noon and it's sunny there now.
So that's that. This is year two of a slight interest in gardening while really knowing nothing of what to do! And the more we learn, we still don't know enough. It's actually quite sad. We would have either known what to do back in the old days, or just not have been very successful and healthy individuals! I wish planting wasn't a dying art. I wish it came standard with learning long division, phonics and the history of New Jersey. :(
Also, it is GORGEOUS today. Really.
The tomatoes were left outside to bask in the sun. One day I knew it was going to rain so I made sure to bring in my bras flapping in the breeze and everything else I could think of. What happens the next day?? Chaim brings in the tomatoes, which we forgot outside. :( The few that survived Zalah pulled up by the roots. She also did this to some plants Chaim was trying to re-root and she broke part of the garlic off, but at least that part wasn't so damaging. We tried to replant tomato seeds, but by this point if they actually grow, it will be pretty late in the season to see fruit, like what happened last year. :(
I'm counting on that little guy in the front, but I don't want to hold out too much hope!Next, the garlic. Ah the garlic was growing so well. It's so easy, isn't it?? So we decide it's high time to plant them outside, the roots were packed in their little containers, and we had two to a small pot! Well, guess how I felt when I look online just to double check the best time to plant them (mid spring, early spring?) and see FALL. WHAT? So much for that. We attempted a shady spot and hopefully it won't be too hot for them to grow. Over watering can also be a problem, and it is spring. So we'll see how that goes.
The garlicI did learn that you can eat those green tops, so that's something at least.
Speaking of garlic, I also read that it's good to put a layer of compost on top. Well. The compost is not ready. (Though I have to say, it does look good.) Maybe if we were smart and did it all last summer and through the year it would have been ready by now. Grrr.
Lastly, I planted the cucumbers. Might as well at this point, right? So who knows how they will turn out. The soil is supposed to be warmer, but I didn't want to wait and I didn't start them inside so whatever. Those 3 sticks in the back are where each group of seeds are. The kids helped me put 4 seeds in each hill, and if they grow I can then thin them down. It looks a little dry, but it's supposed to rain tomorrow and the rest of the month, so it will be plenty watered. I hope something sprouts!
Oh, and in case you guys are wondering, the spot by the fence is actually fairly sunny for most of the day. The reason I say the garlic is in a 'shady' spot while the "real" garden pictured above is the sunniest spot is because the garlic is along the fence back by where the shed is, and when the sun gets too far west it becomes shady again. So the garlic spot has some sun, while the main garden should get a lot of sun. The idea was to put the tomatoes in the back there, but I hope it doesn't stay shady there for too long in the day. I took this picture at about 11am. It's almost noon and it's sunny there now.
So that's that. This is year two of a slight interest in gardening while really knowing nothing of what to do! And the more we learn, we still don't know enough. It's actually quite sad. We would have either known what to do back in the old days, or just not have been very successful and healthy individuals! I wish planting wasn't a dying art. I wish it came standard with learning long division, phonics and the history of New Jersey. :(
Also, it is GORGEOUS today. Really.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Trying to Learn Hebrew
My newest feat (besides knitting and reading) has been trying to learn some Hebrew. I'm pretty serious about it and I think of it often, but I feel like it's so daunting. I wonder if I'll ever be able to express myself in another language as well as I do in English. . . Scratch that, as well as I want to in English. Maybe wanting to use more specific words will force me to learn more of them. I sure hope so.
On another note, I miss many of the things that we stopped doing when we moved here like composting. I want to try and pick that up again. I feel like cloth diapering is totally out, which is sad because if I had a washer and drier, I probably would have never stopped. I also hope Z potty trains soon so that diapers IN GENERAL are in the end of their phase.
Additionally, I am happy to report that Z has been better (or maybe I've been more patient). I feel like she's whining less (or again, like I'm dealing with it better). I feel like she really gets upset the most when there is something she feels she has to do and for some reason she can't. Either frustration or a parent telling her to stop what she's doing for various reasons (for example, if she wants something, but we think she's going to hurt herself the way she's going about getting it). She's been really helpful and sweet and even eating better. She still does her stubborn thing or doesn't want to listen, just like every kid, but she's pretty awesome. Lyla is definitely entering her "2's", but she's still pretty rockin' as well. I love how much they love each other. I really feel like we have such a cool little unit going on.
That reminds me. Some times people think I want, or will want, more kids. I suppose the idea could come to me, but I really don't think I'll seriously want more. Kids are cute, and I do like them, but there are so many reasons I don't want to even go there. For one, I can't afford it. I don't think it would be fair to the kids that ALREADY exist to make more that I don't, as of right now, have ANY obligation to. I have a hard enough time paying attention and caring for Z and L, and I stress SO much, more than anything, about providing for them. Making more, if I can help it, is not really part of the solution.
That reminds me. Some times people think I want, or will want, more kids. I suppose the idea could come to me, but I really don't think I'll seriously want more. Kids are cute, and I do like them, but there are so many reasons I don't want to even go there. For one, I can't afford it. I don't think it would be fair to the kids that ALREADY exist to make more that I don't, as of right now, have ANY obligation to. I have a hard enough time paying attention and caring for Z and L, and I stress SO much, more than anything, about providing for them. Making more, if I can help it, is not really part of the solution.
Secondly, they are so close in age and relationship that any new baby years later will be totally on it's own like an only child. That, and I'm really not interested in having another one so soon, even if I were financially able, and I'm SURELY not interested in having any after 30 (I'm physically destroyed enough as it is. Don't believe me? I pee myself). So there is the impossiblility of a time frame that just doesn't exist. I really love having them as my two little ones, and that they have each other. Sure, I said I wanted more before I had any, but as many new parents soon learn, you tend to change your mind about something once you actually learn what it's like!
And I suppose that's it for now.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A little bit Jealous
I've noticed over the past few months I sometimes feel a little jealous of my single-child friends. I tried to not to let it show, but after thinking about it, I feel like its something I can address and be honest about.
I know that when its your only child it can be hard because its the first time, the whole thing is new, and even one kid can be a difficult. (Yes, I'm looking at you, Mr. Bright Eyes Van Luyn!) ;)
Now, I want to appreciate that I have two adorable kids, and I do, but its definitely hard to hear other parents complain. I felt like I would get along well and relate to other parents, but I just feel like I'm completely losing my mind and would do anything to get a moments peace. Because the truth is, when I'm with just ONE kid, GOSH life seems so much easier. I know its probably all bullshit, but it just seems like life would be so gloriously easy. I feel like I would have had the opportunity to play with the child and talk to the child and actually focus on that one child. Even just to WORRY about just one child. Go out with them and feed them, and maybe myself, deal with their tantrums with full attention, stop them from creating twice as much of a mess, hug them, nap with them, take pictures of them, basically be like a team. And in all honesty, I miss that.
They are so close, I barely remember having just one. And even though I did want a sibling for Zalah eventually, even for that short time, I was sort of upset that Lyla was coming along so soon. (Not that she isn't totally awesome.) I wanted to cherish those moments, and well, I never really could. At least not unencumbered by other things going on around us due to the other kid. Granted, its even easier when the one I have to watch for the time being is Lyla, because she is so sweet and easy going. But even when its Zalah, who is a more difficult personality BY FAR as well as at a more difficult age, its still easier than both since the attention is all on her. Sometimes I think if I had two "Lyla" type personalities it might be better, but just more than one person to keep your eye on is always a lot. Parents who have more than two I think are just crazy. Once you hit two, you should know better!! :P
People who come from big families say that they all were treated with love as individuals, but I find it hard to believe. How can ONE woman physically take care of a large number of children, let alone nurture them and talk to them on a deeper level?
So really its a combination of everything: the fact that there are two, that they are so close in age and the fact that *one of them* is soooooo much more difficult to deal with.
Now before you think I'm evil, let me say that I do love Zalah, she's quirky and silly and cute and super smart. But WOW is she tough. She's not really super aggressive or mean, but she's BOSSY, PICKY, and WHINY.
Just as I was writing this she broke a glass. And once I started typing again and took her off my lap, she cries. Now Lyla can have her freak outs too, but she usually doesn't cry as easily. Though sometimes when she does she just goes onnnnn and onnnn.
Still, I'm glad they have each other to be close to and start trouble with, because they're all the siblings each other is ever going to get!!!
I know that when its your only child it can be hard because its the first time, the whole thing is new, and even one kid can be a difficult. (Yes, I'm looking at you, Mr. Bright Eyes Van Luyn!) ;)
Now, I want to appreciate that I have two adorable kids, and I do, but its definitely hard to hear other parents complain. I felt like I would get along well and relate to other parents, but I just feel like I'm completely losing my mind and would do anything to get a moments peace. Because the truth is, when I'm with just ONE kid, GOSH life seems so much easier. I know its probably all bullshit, but it just seems like life would be so gloriously easy. I feel like I would have had the opportunity to play with the child and talk to the child and actually focus on that one child. Even just to WORRY about just one child. Go out with them and feed them, and maybe myself, deal with their tantrums with full attention, stop them from creating twice as much of a mess, hug them, nap with them, take pictures of them, basically be like a team. And in all honesty, I miss that.
They are so close, I barely remember having just one. And even though I did want a sibling for Zalah eventually, even for that short time, I was sort of upset that Lyla was coming along so soon. (Not that she isn't totally awesome.) I wanted to cherish those moments, and well, I never really could. At least not unencumbered by other things going on around us due to the other kid. Granted, its even easier when the one I have to watch for the time being is Lyla, because she is so sweet and easy going. But even when its Zalah, who is a more difficult personality BY FAR as well as at a more difficult age, its still easier than both since the attention is all on her. Sometimes I think if I had two "Lyla" type personalities it might be better, but just more than one person to keep your eye on is always a lot. Parents who have more than two I think are just crazy. Once you hit two, you should know better!! :P
People who come from big families say that they all were treated with love as individuals, but I find it hard to believe. How can ONE woman physically take care of a large number of children, let alone nurture them and talk to them on a deeper level?
So really its a combination of everything: the fact that there are two, that they are so close in age and the fact that *one of them* is soooooo much more difficult to deal with.
Now before you think I'm evil, let me say that I do love Zalah, she's quirky and silly and cute and super smart. But WOW is she tough. She's not really super aggressive or mean, but she's BOSSY, PICKY, and WHINY.
- She tells us what to do. She doesn't listen. When she wants it, she means NOW. She bosses Lyla around and tries to discipline her and even hurts her because she doesn't realize her strength. She sees what we do, but when *we* do something to discipline them, we know how to do it without actually causing damage. But she's only 2 so she doesn't know better.
- She won't eat ANYTHING. The only thing she really eats is grains. Not just 'white' things, but just bread-products. Pasta, cereal, that kind of thing. Sometimes cheese, or whatever it is that week. I have to follow her around with everything and still she hardly eats. At least not variety. Even when she asks for these foods specifically, she usually doesn't finish it, if she even takes a bite. I remember it taking an HOUR to get her to eat a jar of baby food. :
- She whines about EVERYTHING. She really can whine and cry for most of the day. This is partly age, but I remember how much I couldn't stand her behavior at 1+ years, while Lyla is almost two and she's so different. She hurts herself often. Really often. She 'sees' things in her room at night, she's always insulted or sad or hurt. This girl hardly ever smiles. Its sort of sad actually. :( She's the most serious kid I ever met. And she won't let you do what you need to do and have to do. So of course we want to be parents and set the limit, but it comes with whining whining whining. We can't stand it. Also, it brings in previously mentioned discipline, and then she thinks she can do it to everyone else too. She says she knows she is not the boss, but she doesn't act like it!
Just as I was writing this she broke a glass. And once I started typing again and took her off my lap, she cries. Now Lyla can have her freak outs too, but she usually doesn't cry as easily. Though sometimes when she does she just goes onnnnn and onnnn.
Still, I'm glad they have each other to be close to and start trouble with, because they're all the siblings each other is ever going to get!!!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Hood Life (Or something like it)
As most of you may know, we've moved to an area that's not quite the ghetto, it's just next door. Well there are many things I like about living here, such as sidewalks, shops we can walk to and overall friendly people. My mother in law says I get a sick thrill from walking through the hood. Oh? I think I just like to get my stuff done. But even the hollering boosts your self esteem even though you really know you look like shit and they guys are just constantly practicing with any and everyone 'to keep their game up'.
But there are some down sides, not the first of which is that Chaim's bike was very early on stolen from our back yard. (Don't worry, we hopped in the Batmobile down to the hood and found it ;D)
One thing that super sucks is that we don't have laundry access. I probably complained about this before because I knew it would mean the end of cloth diapering, which I was really upset about. (Though Chaim surely isn't...) It costs a hell of a lot more and we frequently run out of disposables. And I don't think I'll ever feel ok with throwing so many diapers out either. AND maybe Z would be potty trained too. :'(
But another two things that suck about it is the COST and the LOCATION. Granted, there are tons of laundromats around. Probably to be within walking distance of just about everyone. And they are. BUT with a double stroller I just can't make the distance. We finally dropped the $30 and bought a cart with wheels to bring our stuff around (everyone here has them-everyone!) but I can't push that and the stroller at once. I've tried to carry one baby and have the other walk, but that was before we even had the cart and even with it its still hard to have one walk and not run into crazy traffic while steering those bulky things. I've even thought of bungeeing the stroller and cart together! Now, when Chaim is around OR if I have the car, there is no problem. I just put all the kids and laundry in the car and go. Yea, its a pain to do laundry with the two little ones but there's no choice there. Or, if Chaim is home and I have the car, I can just go without them. That's the best. OR when we have car problems and therefore NO car, which seems to be the case often enough, we go with the stroller, the cart and two parents. BUT if there's no car and no husband, I can't go at all. Not unless I had a sitter and you can guess how often that's happened. When we lived upstate, we could never walk to a laundromat. As a matter of fact, I've never even been to one before moving here. But I didn't have to. We had machines in the house. They didn't always work and they were always full of our landlords stuff but at least they were there. Now if we have a barf crisis it really can become a crisis. Add that to the fact my cat is sick and peeing on EVERYONE'S bed WHILE the car is busted, and yea. Problems.
The same goes for food stores. We have a few bodegas but they sort of suck. Even the closest kosher store is one of the furthest walking-distance food stores and its not great. I can now carry some stuff in the stroller thanks to the new stroller having a basket on the bottom, but I can't get so much that I'd need the cart, because again, I can't push it while I have the kids. And stuff does get a bit beat up on the ride. :\
Another thing that sucks is that in this area you'd think there would be awesome public transportation. After all, so many people rely on it and we are the last few stops on the A train. But no, that too fails us. The stop closest to us only works going east, to the ONE LAST stop after it. Point!? So we can walk to that one or better yet, to the one further up, one stop closer to the city. But on the weekends, they are ALL closed. Yep. Not only is it the weekend schedule which takes about three hours to get anywhere, but they have to shuttle you all the way up the Rockaways to get on the subway. Now with kids, the shuttle bus becomes an ok-lets-stay-home-instead. Often, when the car worked, we just drove it to Brooklyn or Queens proper and took a train from there. Speaking of trains, they are so not stroller friendly. The city and Brooklyn are bad, but the Rockaways don't know the meaning of the word 'elevator'. I'm hoping to get a job in the city, and its good that at least I can get to the train without a ride, and the ride is probably just as long as it was from upstate, but its clearly far from seamless. At least if its for work there won't be kids with me and I can actually USE stairs. Gosh I miss those sometimes. Maybe that's why I'm getting portly.
This isn't really the fault of moving, but its really amazing how we walk or bike everywhere. You'd think I'd lose so much weight, yet I haven't lost a thing. Before I was just doing stuff at home and occasionally using the treadmill there. Here, I've walked FAR more than I ever did upstate, biked more, and even ran more the few times I've gotten to the gym (which I bike to). I still do those small workouts in my room and stretch, the only thing I don't do is breastfeed. Well apparently that's the kicker. I'm back at my pre-pregnancy weight which is normal I guess but I was hoping I could stay where I was while nursing. I remember before I was pregnant I couldn't lose an ounce either. Not while eating at least, and I like eating. :D
We totally are into biking and its a good thing that so many things are close, or at least in biking distance, including Chaim's job at night when we really don't have a car. But as with the doing-ANYTHING-without-a-husband situation, I can't bike to any of these places without someone home with the kids.
Some things like a car or washer and dryer are definitely a huge investment and upfront cost. But sometimes I think not having them is even worse. At least if you have a washer you can use it as often as needed and though the water and energy bills will go up, at least you don't have to pay the same standard price for the machine. Not having a car means you have to pay for EVERY little ride/train/subway you take to get anywhere past walking distance. Often there is no way to get to where you need to be and car services are crazy. I don't even know if you can bother with car seats in them or how costly it would be for them to wait for you so you don't have to take the seats out while at an appointment or shopping. It becomes impossible.
Two in one sidetrack combo: The car, by the way, really does go on you when you need it most. I've had such a stressful week with not having the car while I needed to get my cat to the vet for a UTI. I wanted to BIKE to him if it meant getting there. He's about 6.5 miles away (and there's a stupid toll) but without a sitter (or car) I could not do it with the kids. Side track #2, you REALLY can't do anything with kids. Wow. When people say life as you know it is over, I assumed having fun and doing things for you. But no, it means being able to LIVE and go where you truly NEED to go. I feel like having kids makes me too busy to even be able to take care of kids. For example, the laundry situation coupled with the other problems we had today makes it impossible to get the kids peed on sheets washed for them. Chaim missed class to get it taken care of but that was all we could do. We just could not have time to do laundry. Or money really. I'm really surprised and thankful and PROUD that they were fed and changed while dealing with the car-cat-crisis situation today. That's how hard it is some days. That's how much it sucks.
As a plus, there are TONS of car shops around here. I don't know why, since so many people rely on public transit (good luck) but I guess many people have cars too. I guess there's just a whole lot of many people out here.
Another thing that bothers me about the lots of many people, is that SO SO SO many of them use the "N-word". We don't say the N word. We don't even JOKE about it. And even if I was plastered drunk and going native and saying it "in a friendly way" it still won't be uttered in front of the kids. Its just not something I want them to say. Well, now that they hear it 1,034,984,352,986,429,034 times a day, we'll have to see how that turns out.
It's actually pretty sad. There were little kids at the park the other day and they kept calling each other crack heads. Not everyone here is irresponsible/on drugs/bad parents etc, but its really sad that you hear it from the mouths of babes. :(
I also feel like its so expensive to live here, or anywhere really. But to be "broke" and in an economically disadvantaged area...yea its not so great. There are obviously not a lot of jobs close by, and you have to pay for EVERYTHING like laundry, rides etc. and almost always in cash. But more than that, when you're really broke, you get the crappiest stuff. Like we've had breathing issues since moving here since its more of a basement than the last place, but the last place had it too. We keep our apartments very clean, but there's always stagnation and sometimes mold in basements so I really feel like poor people just can't get good health. Never mind health CARE, which we have (when we can get a WAY to the office....also never mind that clinics seriously take all day. You can't do ANYTHING else.) Just that poor people aren't allowed to be or STAY healthy. Now that's fucked up. Some people don't believe health care is a right. I disagree, but we *should* all agree that people shouldn't get fucked over for not having more money. There are laws against it, but yea, no one cares. Maybe if everything was taken care of, from peeling paint to affordable healthy food, there wouldn't need to be such high bills for health care in these areas. And its sad but true, soo so so so many people here have a limp. I always thought that was a stereotype...but they do. (Shootings too but that's different. Maybe related. I don't know.)
Other things include broken glass everywhere, the pain in the ass of switching information over here, finding new doctors, getting to/dealing with the medicaid/food stamp office, people's dogs etc. And maybe its a fucked up stereotype and I'm usually so against them that people call me naive, but I do also worry about people around here especially if we're talking about daycare or something like that. And I don't mean one group I mean ANYONE. Even a Jewish place. The best ones of course I can't afford, so it would have to be peoples houses. And just in general I'm so used to being with the kids that I worry about ANYONE with them, but a daycare/full time babysitter would really have to feed them and deal with them on a longer term basis. The only people I know and trust work during the day lol.
I'm sure there is more but I just felt compelled to write about that for now.
But there are some down sides, not the first of which is that Chaim's bike was very early on stolen from our back yard. (Don't worry, we hopped in the Batmobile down to the hood and found it ;D)
One thing that super sucks is that we don't have laundry access. I probably complained about this before because I knew it would mean the end of cloth diapering, which I was really upset about. (Though Chaim surely isn't...) It costs a hell of a lot more and we frequently run out of disposables. And I don't think I'll ever feel ok with throwing so many diapers out either. AND maybe Z would be potty trained too. :'(
But another two things that suck about it is the COST and the LOCATION. Granted, there are tons of laundromats around. Probably to be within walking distance of just about everyone. And they are. BUT with a double stroller I just can't make the distance. We finally dropped the $30 and bought a cart with wheels to bring our stuff around (everyone here has them-everyone!) but I can't push that and the stroller at once. I've tried to carry one baby and have the other walk, but that was before we even had the cart and even with it its still hard to have one walk and not run into crazy traffic while steering those bulky things. I've even thought of bungeeing the stroller and cart together! Now, when Chaim is around OR if I have the car, there is no problem. I just put all the kids and laundry in the car and go. Yea, its a pain to do laundry with the two little ones but there's no choice there. Or, if Chaim is home and I have the car, I can just go without them. That's the best. OR when we have car problems and therefore NO car, which seems to be the case often enough, we go with the stroller, the cart and two parents. BUT if there's no car and no husband, I can't go at all. Not unless I had a sitter and you can guess how often that's happened. When we lived upstate, we could never walk to a laundromat. As a matter of fact, I've never even been to one before moving here. But I didn't have to. We had machines in the house. They didn't always work and they were always full of our landlords stuff but at least they were there. Now if we have a barf crisis it really can become a crisis. Add that to the fact my cat is sick and peeing on EVERYONE'S bed WHILE the car is busted, and yea. Problems.
The same goes for food stores. We have a few bodegas but they sort of suck. Even the closest kosher store is one of the furthest walking-distance food stores and its not great. I can now carry some stuff in the stroller thanks to the new stroller having a basket on the bottom, but I can't get so much that I'd need the cart, because again, I can't push it while I have the kids. And stuff does get a bit beat up on the ride. :\
Another thing that sucks is that in this area you'd think there would be awesome public transportation. After all, so many people rely on it and we are the last few stops on the A train. But no, that too fails us. The stop closest to us only works going east, to the ONE LAST stop after it. Point!? So we can walk to that one or better yet, to the one further up, one stop closer to the city. But on the weekends, they are ALL closed. Yep. Not only is it the weekend schedule which takes about three hours to get anywhere, but they have to shuttle you all the way up the Rockaways to get on the subway. Now with kids, the shuttle bus becomes an ok-lets-stay-home-instead. Often, when the car worked, we just drove it to Brooklyn or Queens proper and took a train from there. Speaking of trains, they are so not stroller friendly. The city and Brooklyn are bad, but the Rockaways don't know the meaning of the word 'elevator'. I'm hoping to get a job in the city, and its good that at least I can get to the train without a ride, and the ride is probably just as long as it was from upstate, but its clearly far from seamless. At least if its for work there won't be kids with me and I can actually USE stairs. Gosh I miss those sometimes. Maybe that's why I'm getting portly.
This isn't really the fault of moving, but its really amazing how we walk or bike everywhere. You'd think I'd lose so much weight, yet I haven't lost a thing. Before I was just doing stuff at home and occasionally using the treadmill there. Here, I've walked FAR more than I ever did upstate, biked more, and even ran more the few times I've gotten to the gym (which I bike to). I still do those small workouts in my room and stretch, the only thing I don't do is breastfeed. Well apparently that's the kicker. I'm back at my pre-pregnancy weight which is normal I guess but I was hoping I could stay where I was while nursing. I remember before I was pregnant I couldn't lose an ounce either. Not while eating at least, and I like eating. :D
We totally are into biking and its a good thing that so many things are close, or at least in biking distance, including Chaim's job at night when we really don't have a car. But as with the doing-ANYTHING-without-a-husband situation, I can't bike to any of these places without someone home with the kids.
Some things like a car or washer and dryer are definitely a huge investment and upfront cost. But sometimes I think not having them is even worse. At least if you have a washer you can use it as often as needed and though the water and energy bills will go up, at least you don't have to pay the same standard price for the machine. Not having a car means you have to pay for EVERY little ride/train/subway you take to get anywhere past walking distance. Often there is no way to get to where you need to be and car services are crazy. I don't even know if you can bother with car seats in them or how costly it would be for them to wait for you so you don't have to take the seats out while at an appointment or shopping. It becomes impossible.
Two in one sidetrack combo: The car, by the way, really does go on you when you need it most. I've had such a stressful week with not having the car while I needed to get my cat to the vet for a UTI. I wanted to BIKE to him if it meant getting there. He's about 6.5 miles away (and there's a stupid toll) but without a sitter (or car) I could not do it with the kids. Side track #2, you REALLY can't do anything with kids. Wow. When people say life as you know it is over, I assumed having fun and doing things for you. But no, it means being able to LIVE and go where you truly NEED to go. I feel like having kids makes me too busy to even be able to take care of kids. For example, the laundry situation coupled with the other problems we had today makes it impossible to get the kids peed on sheets washed for them. Chaim missed class to get it taken care of but that was all we could do. We just could not have time to do laundry. Or money really. I'm really surprised and thankful and PROUD that they were fed and changed while dealing with the car-cat-crisis situation today. That's how hard it is some days. That's how much it sucks.
As a plus, there are TONS of car shops around here. I don't know why, since so many people rely on public transit (good luck) but I guess many people have cars too. I guess there's just a whole lot of many people out here.
Another thing that bothers me about the lots of many people, is that SO SO SO many of them use the "N-word". We don't say the N word. We don't even JOKE about it. And even if I was plastered drunk and going native and saying it "in a friendly way" it still won't be uttered in front of the kids. Its just not something I want them to say. Well, now that they hear it 1,034,984,352,986,429,034 times a day, we'll have to see how that turns out.
It's actually pretty sad. There were little kids at the park the other day and they kept calling each other crack heads. Not everyone here is irresponsible/on drugs/bad parents etc, but its really sad that you hear it from the mouths of babes. :(
I also feel like its so expensive to live here, or anywhere really. But to be "broke" and in an economically disadvantaged area...yea its not so great. There are obviously not a lot of jobs close by, and you have to pay for EVERYTHING like laundry, rides etc. and almost always in cash. But more than that, when you're really broke, you get the crappiest stuff. Like we've had breathing issues since moving here since its more of a basement than the last place, but the last place had it too. We keep our apartments very clean, but there's always stagnation and sometimes mold in basements so I really feel like poor people just can't get good health. Never mind health CARE, which we have (when we can get a WAY to the office....also never mind that clinics seriously take all day. You can't do ANYTHING else.) Just that poor people aren't allowed to be or STAY healthy. Now that's fucked up. Some people don't believe health care is a right. I disagree, but we *should* all agree that people shouldn't get fucked over for not having more money. There are laws against it, but yea, no one cares. Maybe if everything was taken care of, from peeling paint to affordable healthy food, there wouldn't need to be such high bills for health care in these areas. And its sad but true, soo so so so many people here have a limp. I always thought that was a stereotype...but they do. (Shootings too but that's different. Maybe related. I don't know.)
Other things include broken glass everywhere, the pain in the ass of switching information over here, finding new doctors, getting to/dealing with the medicaid/food stamp office, people's dogs etc. And maybe its a fucked up stereotype and I'm usually so against them that people call me naive, but I do also worry about people around here especially if we're talking about daycare or something like that. And I don't mean one group I mean ANYONE. Even a Jewish place. The best ones of course I can't afford, so it would have to be peoples houses. And just in general I'm so used to being with the kids that I worry about ANYONE with them, but a daycare/full time babysitter would really have to feed them and deal with them on a longer term basis. The only people I know and trust work during the day lol.
I'm sure there is more but I just felt compelled to write about that for now.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Africa, you sustain me!
I've been meaning to write about this for a little while now, but I'm always SUPER tired in the AM. Well now its 3 o'clock so here it is, my obsession, Mombasa Coffee.
Add one or two cinnamon sticks, 3 cardamom pods, and about 4-5 cloves into a pot. DON'T BUY THESE AT A REGULAR STORE! They are a rip off. Get them at your local Indian market, where the people are way nicer anyway. The cinnamon is usually the strongest, even though I love the flavor, I add one most of the time.
Add water. Its a good idea to add more than you need, because it cooks down A LOT. I never have enough. Turn it on to boiling but then reduce it so it doesn't get too burnt or evaporated.
It takes a little time, so meanwhile, prepare your French Press. :) I got mine (FINA-FLIPPING-LY!) for $15 at a local supermarket. Nice.
Let it get nice and dark. Mmmm dark. ;)
Then I strain it through a mesh strainer. You can also make it by adding the coffee to the stove and cooking it just a bit longer, BUT I've heard that you really shouldn't make coffee with boiling water because it can burn it. Personally, it was really delicious when I made it that way, but little grains always came past the strainer anyway, and I also like to keep the seeds for another use. This way it doesn't mix with the coffee grounds and I can keep the seeds for another time.
Wait some more. The longer the stronger. I like it strong but I love the spice flavor so its a bit of a trade off. :\
Press slowly (so close!!!!)
Pour and enjoy!! I like mine with a bit of milk. :) Pure happiness!!
On another note, I got my ONE shirt, did you??
You better remember this face, it will lead the Revolution!!
Well you should. I also get a little flack for supporting international organizations, and besides the fact that I think that's dumb and rude, I want to clear up a few things.
1.) This country will never be 'fixed enough' for people to be ready to export aid. We'll always have something to fix so in the meantime, these dying people are not going to wait.
2.) I support local orgs PLENTY. As a matter of fact, I benefit from them. If you want me to knit scarves for the local homeless vets, you got it. So don't tell me not to send some malaria nets or meds overseas either.
3.) As with previous said orgs, people run those and support those, including me. But I care about THIS and I'm going to support THIS! I got shit for doing my global change project on discrimination of Gypsies/Roma and one girl said "Well, they do steal and no body likes them and this isn't as important as all the other things everyone else is doing, etc etc"...exactly my point bitch, thanks for proving it.
4.) As poor as the people here are, they are not THIS poor. Even the homeless here have shelters (as shitty as they are) and water from a local bathroom sink (trust me, many all over the world DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO CLEAN WATER!! A grimy sink would be heaven.) Hell, I'm richer than, what? 50% of the world? And in case you all don't know, we are unemployed. I'm not trying to bitch either, I am a very grateful person. But they say the poor are more generous than the rich. You got that right.
I would love to do more for this organization and the other ones I am a part of, other than just clicking petitions. While I think (hope) that helps, I hope I can really start doing more soon.
Lol.
Add one or two cinnamon sticks, 3 cardamom pods, and about 4-5 cloves into a pot. DON'T BUY THESE AT A REGULAR STORE! They are a rip off. Get them at your local Indian market, where the people are way nicer anyway. The cinnamon is usually the strongest, even though I love the flavor, I add one most of the time.
Add water. Its a good idea to add more than you need, because it cooks down A LOT. I never have enough. Turn it on to boiling but then reduce it so it doesn't get too burnt or evaporated.
It takes a little time, so meanwhile, prepare your French Press. :) I got mine (FINA-FLIPPING-LY!) for $15 at a local supermarket. Nice.
Let it get nice and dark. Mmmm dark. ;)
Then I strain it through a mesh strainer. You can also make it by adding the coffee to the stove and cooking it just a bit longer, BUT I've heard that you really shouldn't make coffee with boiling water because it can burn it. Personally, it was really delicious when I made it that way, but little grains always came past the strainer anyway, and I also like to keep the seeds for another use. This way it doesn't mix with the coffee grounds and I can keep the seeds for another time.
Wait some more. The longer the stronger. I like it strong but I love the spice flavor so its a bit of a trade off. :\
Press slowly (so close!!!!)
Pour and enjoy!! I like mine with a bit of milk. :) Pure happiness!!
On another note, I got my ONE shirt, did you??
You better remember this face, it will lead the Revolution!!Well you should. I also get a little flack for supporting international organizations, and besides the fact that I think that's dumb and rude, I want to clear up a few things.
1.) This country will never be 'fixed enough' for people to be ready to export aid. We'll always have something to fix so in the meantime, these dying people are not going to wait.
2.) I support local orgs PLENTY. As a matter of fact, I benefit from them. If you want me to knit scarves for the local homeless vets, you got it. So don't tell me not to send some malaria nets or meds overseas either.
3.) As with previous said orgs, people run those and support those, including me. But I care about THIS and I'm going to support THIS! I got shit for doing my global change project on discrimination of Gypsies/Roma and one girl said "Well, they do steal and no body likes them and this isn't as important as all the other things everyone else is doing, etc etc"...exactly my point bitch, thanks for proving it.
4.) As poor as the people here are, they are not THIS poor. Even the homeless here have shelters (as shitty as they are) and water from a local bathroom sink (trust me, many all over the world DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO CLEAN WATER!! A grimy sink would be heaven.) Hell, I'm richer than, what? 50% of the world? And in case you all don't know, we are unemployed. I'm not trying to bitch either, I am a very grateful person. But they say the poor are more generous than the rich. You got that right.
I would love to do more for this organization and the other ones I am a part of, other than just clicking petitions. While I think (hope) that helps, I hope I can really start doing more soon.
Lol.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The Passive Agressive Plague
There have been a number of things that have gotten me thinking about this topic lately, which culminated with a conversation with my friend Sarah. (See previous post for Sarah's blog and other links that related to this topic.) It seems that today we have a surplus of passive aggressive behavior which creates a lot of defensiveness. This might not be new information, but lets look at why this is happening.
People today live in a world with a thousand different styles and subcultures. They want to be accepted somewhere, and it sometimes takes a lot of work to get there. So when someone is 'in' a group, they keep others on the outside with catty remarks and attitude. It makes sense in some ways as a sort of initiation rite and keeping the clan together, but what ends up happening is that there are so many little divisions and each one wants others to know what they are all about while still being insular and secretive. It drives me mad. The reason they want others to know about them is so they are not misunderstood, or taken to look like another group that they are not. Here is a great example from a thread on Facebook about red laces on Doc Martin boots:
"I'm a black skinhead( I don't think I need to tell you where I stand, and those of you scratching your heads look it up on wikipedia) and I can tell you for sure if I wear any coloured laces or braces then it means that I like to accessorize. I did run across some dumb ass hipsters on the train who still think skins are racist. To this day, I regret giving them a good smack in the face for being so bloody stupid!"
Now, this is just one example of MILLIONS! The point is, many people wear colored laces to mean racism or a variety of things. So to an outsider, how can you tell, even WITH knowledge of all of these groups, what the person actually means!? Besides the fact that racist and non-racist skin heads dress a like, and I have yet to figure out why, and I have asked a few times before, you can't really be sure who you are looking at. He was nice enough to write back and explain a TON of information for me, which I am appreciative. But what I am highlighting on is just how hard it is to navigate through all of these subcultures and know how to regard them.
The thing is, many people don't even CARE about learning about this. This is a pretty obtuse example but that's part of why I chose it, because many people DON'T understand the real truth about it, as even I have more to learn. I totally think we should learn about others in their main culture and even sub cultures. But some subcultures piss me off for being so vague yet so demanding of us. Such as the second group, the hipsters, often do, and don't ever offer an explanation about who they are, because they DON'T know! Basically, a common frustration of this world is to be misunderstood which is especially bothersome when you actually stand for a deeply held belief. While we can't expect everyone to know all about us based on image, it is also wrong for people to assume they know it all because of that.
How does this tie in to my main point? Well everyday people today are OVERWHELMINGLY playing the passive aggressive card as a way to deal with these ambiguities. People don't know how to act towards anyone anymore so it is a way of "playing it safe". People want to insult someone, yet do it 'nicely' as it were, and also not look like too much of a jerk for being flat out rude, even though it is. It's become a skill to zing people in just the right way. (It also makes people come off as very snotty.) But it also becomes a cover. People often act rude and snide so that they can later cover it up and say they meant something else. This goes along with dirty looks and words being so delicate now that an argument can ensue over the details of words used or the tone or what the person really meant that was disguised. It becomes "talking about nothing". And then people wonder why they can't even remember what they argued about.
People today live in a world with a thousand different styles and subcultures. They want to be accepted somewhere, and it sometimes takes a lot of work to get there. So when someone is 'in' a group, they keep others on the outside with catty remarks and attitude. It makes sense in some ways as a sort of initiation rite and keeping the clan together, but what ends up happening is that there are so many little divisions and each one wants others to know what they are all about while still being insular and secretive. It drives me mad. The reason they want others to know about them is so they are not misunderstood, or taken to look like another group that they are not. Here is a great example from a thread on Facebook about red laces on Doc Martin boots:
"I'm a black skinhead( I don't think I need to tell you where I stand, and those of you scratching your heads look it up on wikipedia) and I can tell you for sure if I wear any coloured laces or braces then it means that I like to accessorize. I did run across some dumb ass hipsters on the train who still think skins are racist. To this day, I regret giving them a good smack in the face for being so bloody stupid!"
Now, this is just one example of MILLIONS! The point is, many people wear colored laces to mean racism or a variety of things. So to an outsider, how can you tell, even WITH knowledge of all of these groups, what the person actually means!? Besides the fact that racist and non-racist skin heads dress a like, and I have yet to figure out why, and I have asked a few times before, you can't really be sure who you are looking at. He was nice enough to write back and explain a TON of information for me, which I am appreciative. But what I am highlighting on is just how hard it is to navigate through all of these subcultures and know how to regard them.
The thing is, many people don't even CARE about learning about this. This is a pretty obtuse example but that's part of why I chose it, because many people DON'T understand the real truth about it, as even I have more to learn. I totally think we should learn about others in their main culture and even sub cultures. But some subcultures piss me off for being so vague yet so demanding of us. Such as the second group, the hipsters, often do, and don't ever offer an explanation about who they are, because they DON'T know! Basically, a common frustration of this world is to be misunderstood which is especially bothersome when you actually stand for a deeply held belief. While we can't expect everyone to know all about us based on image, it is also wrong for people to assume they know it all because of that.
How does this tie in to my main point? Well everyday people today are OVERWHELMINGLY playing the passive aggressive card as a way to deal with these ambiguities. People don't know how to act towards anyone anymore so it is a way of "playing it safe". People want to insult someone, yet do it 'nicely' as it were, and also not look like too much of a jerk for being flat out rude, even though it is. It's become a skill to zing people in just the right way. (It also makes people come off as very snotty.) But it also becomes a cover. People often act rude and snide so that they can later cover it up and say they meant something else. This goes along with dirty looks and words being so delicate now that an argument can ensue over the details of words used or the tone or what the person really meant that was disguised. It becomes "talking about nothing". And then people wonder why they can't even remember what they argued about.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I was reading our last article of Men's Health in our subscription, which I love. In it, there was a great article about Ewan McGregor, who seems like a pretty chilled out guy. One of his little lessons on life that appeared on a blurb on the side said "In your 20's, you spend a lot of time being self-concious about what other people think of you. Then you hit your mid-30's and start to realize they weren't really thinking about you that much". (Emphasis MH)
Men's Health, June 2009
It all seems so obvious when its written out like this, but I don't think so many people really know it enough to relax, or maybe we all need a little reminder. Because its hard out there with judgments and criticism. But try to be yourself, even if your this guy.
Because other people probably don't care as much as we think, and for the ones who do, eff em.
Men's Health, June 2009I don't want to wait til my mid 30's to know that. I know that now. I don't hardly care what others do, unless they are being assholes. Then I do care, and I'll say it too. That's the only time I'll really bother to dis them, even if it is unrelated. For example, when trendy ass hipsters are being pretentious, I'll make a comment on how lame they are to let them know they don't rule the world. To make them second guess their awesomeness. But to any other person, I don't care. I will, however, often look at something cool and think "Wow, I really like that hairstyle, that's really bold of them" or "That person is very pretty in a natural real way." Of course they probably think I'm looking and thinking negatively about them, hence how people always have this paranoia that he is saying they shouldn't have. I know that it happens to me as well. I don't believe that anyone is totally free from it. People are so judgmental now a days, there ARE always some people who look for something to talk about. But overall, it doesn't bother me so much if someone doesn't like my outfit, if it's not fresh enough for them. I'm broke. I have to worry about my kids shoving pennies in their noses. Not the hottest most expensive trends that in reality, aren't so hot or worth the money. And I don't even have to justify it. Maybe I like it.
Sometimes I'm stuck in clothes I don't love for reasons I've mentioned, and I think that's when you are the most self conscious. People want to feel like they are expressing some part of themselves because now fashion has that ability! There are so many styles and it is culturally accepted to choose from any number of them. But at the same time, no one wants to be judged solely on that, and people want to be looked at as more than their style. I think overall the more comfortable you REALLY are, the less it will bother you. Meaning that people will feel more comfortable in a style that they feel fits their personality, but also the more you have your priorities straight that it isn't the most important thing, the less you will care if you don't meet that standard. For example, I honestly don't feel so much like me when I'm dressed Amish and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. But if I'm in jeans and a tee, I'm not going to let it bother me that I bought them at Target. If I like it, I like it. I don't try to compete with the world for the newest Coach bag, so I can't be embarrassed if I don't have it. You really know you are trying too hard to look good when you care too much what people think about your look. I guess that's why its hard to believe people who go with trends when they say they don't care what people think. Sometimes fashion is a gamble, and sometimes things you liked then you don't like now! But you have to be real to yourself and know that it was either a long shot or admit you liked it then. We all know what we looked like in the eighties! I just feel that many people now do things to fit into the image hype without even liking it at all. There is this sort of nervousness they carry but they try so hard to make it seem like they feel cool and sure of themselves. And my point is, if they really liked it, they'd be more comfortable with it. And they probably wouldn't do such weird things in the first place.
It all seems so obvious when its written out like this, but I don't think so many people really know it enough to relax, or maybe we all need a little reminder. Because its hard out there with judgments and criticism. But try to be yourself, even if your this guy.
Because other people probably don't care as much as we think, and for the ones who do, eff em.
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