A little bit Jealous

I've noticed over the past few months I sometimes feel a little jealous of my single-child friends. I tried to not to let it show, but after thinking about it, I feel like its something I can address and be honest about.

I know that when its your only child it can be hard because its the first time, the whole thing is new, and even one kid can be a difficult. (Yes, I'm looking at you, Mr. Bright Eyes Van Luyn!) ;)

Now, I want to appreciate that I have two adorable kids, and I do, but its definitely hard to hear other parents complain. I felt like I would get along well and relate to other parents, but I just feel like I'm completely losing my mind and would do anything to get a moments peace. Because the truth is, when I'm with just ONE kid, GOSH life seems so much easier. I know its probably all bullshit, but it just seems like life would be so gloriously easy. I feel like I would have had the opportunity to play with the child and talk to the child and actually focus on that one child. Even just to WORRY about just one child. Go out with them and feed them, and maybe myself, deal with their tantrums with full attention, stop them from creating twice as much of a mess, hug them, nap with them, take pictures of them, basically be like a team. And in all honesty, I miss that.

They are so close, I barely remember having just one. And even though I did want a sibling for Zalah eventually, even for that short time, I was sort of upset that Lyla was coming along so soon. (Not that she isn't totally awesome.) I wanted to cherish those moments, and well, I never really could. At least not unencumbered by other things going on around us due to the other kid. Granted, its even easier when the one I have to watch for the time being is Lyla, because she is so sweet and easy going. But even when its Zalah, who is a more difficult personality BY FAR as well as at a more difficult age, its still easier than both since the attention is all on her. Sometimes I think if I had two "Lyla" type personalities it might be better, but just more than one person to keep your eye on is always a lot. Parents who have more than two I think are just crazy. Once you hit two, you should know better!! :P

People who come from big families say that they all were treated with love as individuals, but I find it hard to believe. How can ONE woman physically take care of a large number of children, let alone nurture them and talk to them on a deeper level?

So really its a combination of everything: the fact that there are two, that they are so close in age and the fact that *one of them* is soooooo much more difficult to deal with.

Now before you think I'm evil, let me say that I do love Zalah, she's quirky and silly and cute and super smart. But WOW is she tough. She's not really super aggressive or mean, but she's BOSSY, PICKY, and WHINY.

1. She tells us what to do. She doesn't listen. When she wants it, she means NOW. She bosses Lyla around and tries to discipline her and even hurts her because she doesn't realize her strength. She sees what we do, but when *we* do something to discipline them, we know how to do it without actually causing damage. But she's only 2 so she doesn't know better.
2. She won't eat ANYTHING. The only thing she really eats is grains. Not just 'white' things, but just bread-products. Pasta, cereal, that kind of thing. Sometimes cheese, or whatever it is that week. I have to follow her around with everything and still she hardly eats. At least not variety. Even when she asks for these foods specifically, she usually doesn't finish it, if she even takes a bite. I remember it taking an HOUR to get her to eat a jar of baby food. :
   
3. She whines about EVERYTHING. She really can whine and cry for most of the day. This is partly age, but I remember how much I couldn't stand her behavior at 1+ years, while Lyla is almost two and she's so different. She hurts herself often. Really often. She 'sees' things in her room at night, she's always insulted or sad or hurt. This girl hardly ever smiles. Its sort of sad actually. :( She's the most serious kid I ever met. And she won't let you do what you need to do and have to do. So of course we want to be parents and set the limit, but it comes with whining whining whining. We can't stand it. Also, it brings in previously mentioned discipline, and then she thinks she can do it to everyone else too. She says she knows she is not the boss, but she doesn't act like it!

Just as I was writing this she broke a glass. And once I started typing again and took her off my lap, she cries. Now Lyla can have her freak outs too, but she usually doesn't cry as easily. Though sometimes when she does she just goes onnnnn and onnnn.

Still, I'm glad they have each other to be close to and start trouble with, because they're all the siblings each other is ever going to get!!!

Toys of Today (and Parenting Methods)

For the most part, I think a healthy mix can be a great idea. My philosophy is similar to that of my friend, Sarah Fader, that old school advice and new school attitudes can mesh pretty nicely. The problem is, the old school is hard to find.

Lyla just had a birthday party. Now I've been a mom for about two years, but Chaim and I noticed how there really are hardly any toys that don't beep blink and sing. I appreciate that my family wants to buy fun toys for the kids, but where have all the natural toys gone? We have a few books and stuffed animals that the kids love. They also have some blocks that range from excellent (stacking board blocks with numbers and animals that fit into each other) to sort of crappy (foam Lincoln blocks!? Maybe for the bath, but they don't stand up!). I worry because the more the kids see these toys, the more they want only that kind. That was demonstrated last night when we tried to put Zalah to bed and she flipped out because she wanted to play with Lyla's new toys. She is usually pretty well behaved, brilliant and sweet, and she turned into the terrible-two's modern day brat. I don't like to see that AT ALL! She even asks for TV now that she's seen a very little bit of it. Sometimes these toys or shows can be educational, which is great. Zalah has learned all of her letters from a few toys that repeat them, and I don't mind an occasional PBS kids program. But something is missing.

When I was a kid, my mom used to get us educational toys from a number of catalogs. I think one was MindWare and HearthSong. I miss these kinds of toys and I want my kids to be excited about learning and problem solving as well. I believe there needs to be some straight up fun in life too, even in addition to fun that is functional. But when it causes so many tantrums and a snowball effect of needing mind-numbing electronics, some balance needs to be restored.

As a sort of off shoot that is inspired by a few sources today; I know many people think that if you are in the least bit natural you are a snot and rigid. Well I happen to be neither. I know things won't always go my way, they'll have tantrums and other people will give them junk food. I don't flip out over these things and try to be pretty easy going. But I know my kids will be better behaved if they don't get spoiled with junk (physical and mental) 24-7. And I know that every one else around them wants that too! No one wants to hear kids screaming out in public because they don't get what they want. While this is bound to happen, some kids and parents are more prone to it than others. And besides from all of that, people should also relax a little and let others do what they want to do. I try to keep my criticism of other moms to a minimum. (For a well written discussion about this and a great blog in general, feel free to visit my wonderful friend Amanda's blog.) What works for one doesn't always work for another and its hard enough just to make kids into decent people to begin with, and it isn't always the parents fault. Sometimes kids are bad, sometime good plans backfire. With all that said, I want to have some control as a parent over what my children have in their lives, but to be strict on it means other people think you are too inflexible and kids feel stifled. Yet a parent is in control (or should be) and children don't always know what is best for themselves. They don't have an excess switch, and sadly, many adults don't either. Everything is a balance anyway, but it sure is hard to find one that works for everyone in the best way. (See this Sirens article for some more of my inspiration today.) This is why I urge people to do what they think is best, and please don't criticize other methods. We need a little more understanding and harmony in the world today.

The Tzniyus Book

My friend Jack recently published his long awaited Tzniyus Book and I read it in a few days while over his house. I said I would write an unofficial review for it. Simply put, I like it! :) But really, I like how he explains what it is; modesty in action, speech and dress. Basically, everything I'm not! He writes it for younger girls who are interested in being religious, so if it feels like he is taking to that crowd with nerdy Jewish words (or stricter than you would like to be or are personally) he is. Still though, he doesn't say "DO THIS OR ELSE" like some books in this genre might tend to be. (Or they are written sweetly, but forewarn of certain doom if you digress.)

But what I really like is how he has elements of feminism. Not to be politically correct, not to make excuses, but because he really believes that, and I hope he isn't alone in that view. Many people believe elements of Judaism are sexist, and I'm one of them. Aside from the fact that I like to pick metaphorical fights as well, if I see something that bothers my feminist sensitivities, I will say something. Overall, his explanations are GOOD, and even if women don't want to dress according to any codes (which I think is fine too, especially those who do not attempt to ascribe to these sets of rules) it's just plain awesome that the reasons some women do so aren't based (or now believed) to be from oppressive sources.

My favorite chapter was actually "In the Shul: SheLo Asani Isha and Mechitza". These are some of the most misunderstood ideas in Judaism, and Jack explains them in the way that I found to be productive and believable when I first learned about them. Surely if I accepted the popular belief I would have never chosen to associate with it. Of course some scholars will still debate and not agree with these meanings, but I think it's a point for him to publish these ideas that he stands behind and are not incompatible with Judaism. Therefore, more people will be aware of this almost-liberal thinking that is still within their orthodox mind frame. Neat!

One of my favorite parts was in the previously mentioned chapter about why men daily thank God they are not a woman (I don't disagree even from the offset, I KNOW its difficult!). Even so, it can be seen as there is a problem with being born a female, and history has seemed to take that version of the story. That I don't agree with. But along with the explanation that men are required to do more, and women are internally spiritual (therefore men thank God for the opportunity) he adds that women just thank God for being 'created according to Hashem's will', which is actually better than it sounds. Why can't men just say the same? Well they can't. They have to be 'fixed' with circumcision and women are good to go as they are. (BOOOYAH!) I think it's almost like the MEN are the ones with the consolation prize of saying "thank God I'm not a woman", because really they have more responsibility, and its almost like that's just a nice way of saying it! Not to mention that many believe the world was created in ascending order, with women being the last.

Another beautiful quote was "It's natural for men and women to be attracted to one another. Regarding the creation of man, the Torah tells us that "male and female He created them" (Bereishis 1:27). The Midrash explains that man was originally one being comprising both genders. When God separated woman from man, they became two beings. It is quite natural for each gender, therefore, to seek its "missing piece."
Aside that this creates issues for me because I am a believer and supporter of homosexual rights, it is still a beautiful passage, and from a feminist standpoint, the idea of being united at one time and therefore equal is a wonderful one.

Throughout the book the message empowers women. It isn't a book telling them to cover up or else. It doesn't promote the idea that sexuality is bad or shameful, which is huge in my eyes. The book is intended for young girls (or boys) trying to better their spiritual selves as I mentioned. I think they can easily be caught up in the fervor of self denial as the 'right way' if they aren't careful. I like that it expresses some freedoms for people and puts these notions in a balance. Similarly, these ideas can still work for some people to the right who might not be used to these interpretations, without shaking their foundations or being heretical like some of us are from time to time...

Commune livin'!

Since the last post, my sister had some trouble with her rented room in someone else's apartment, and needed a place to stay. About the same time that I said she could stay on our futon (finally a new couch! Couldn't have come at a better time either!) we had friends who also needed a place. They would crash 'randomly' on the futon, but I realized it was becoming more of a problem for them when prospective apartments didn't work out. So I kept telling them to stay with us, too. Then my sis could stay in our extra bed in our on days they stayed over. Well that became every night and our family of four became a family seven (plus an extra cat!) I have yet to take a picture of all of us that everyone approves of being released... but yes, seven people to two rooms. Other than Princess Z of course, who has her own room at night. Lyla stays in our room still, but as I've noticed over the past few days, she does NOT like to sleep. I used to put Zalah out in the living room at night to get her used to sleeping alone. I can't do that now as there are people there, so we usually put her to bed in our room before we go to bed ourselves. Sometimes we forget, and she sleeps ok with us. But lately its been a massive undertaking to get her to sleep at night, with her persistent Capricorn self screaming for hours at a time! Unless I'm right there next to her of course. That being its own difficulty, I rather like living with a lot of people. We all have different schedules so its not usually too crowded, though we do still often have company. I like that I have help from EVERYBODY and no longer have to pick up my sister from the train or be the only one to drop of Chaim. He also gets a ride some days with our roommates to school. They all help with food, dishes and cleaning, and I actually had time to clean the bathroom (while giving my kids a bath at the same time, nonetheless...) but its something I wouldn't normally have too much time for. I kept the place pretty clean on my own, but with two babies and all their work plus house and school there was a bit of dust here and there. I do feel badly when we stay up late in the living room and the mates are tired, or when we go to bed late and my sis is already trying to sleep in there. Many people can't tolerate that kind of living, and it is difficult at times. But I think the women like each others company (at least I need it!) and we all get along fairly well. We haven't fought too much, at least not with each other. I like the idea of communal living, and I like that it's working out for me. We take care of each other, and because we have shared responsibility, it isn't a crisis if someone else leaves something that needs to be cleaned because we all clean up after each other. We don't keep tabs because we see it as fair since we all share work evenly. It isn't regimented and strict, actually the way I see real communal living is laid back and just having the respect to help each other out. I think its when you give everyone too specific of a chore that it becomes "YOU didn't do YOUR job". While my husband usually took out the garbage (or at least I tried to get him to) we've all done it in turn, and try to not complain too much that we did his job. The only time that happened a lot was when I was alone with him and felt like I was doing 99% of the domestic work, even when he no longer had a job. While I still think I do much of the work, I get help from people who really mean to help. We don't give them a deadline to leave or make them pay for things, and I try not to ask too much from them and not do anything myself. Maybe because it is relaxed, they volunteer their help more readily. This helps relieve some of my stresses and we all get time to study (sort of).

In the Beginning...

Back when I thought being Jewish was cool.

My hubby just got fired today, and is out with daughter one so I thought I'd have a moment to start this thing out. Of course numero dos is screaming. We will have to discuss ways to save money and time later, which was a thought I had before, but oh how much more pertinent it is now!

Anyway, my good friend Sarah has her blog at oldschoolnewschoolmom.blogspot.com and has convinced and inspired me to start. Supposedly I am mildly amusing, not to mention I have a 'two babies' edge. (Lolz here) I tend to be in a constant duality with myself, and I am just as normal as I am insane. We tried to keep these things in mind while thinking of a name. Sarah wanted something to do with rebellion, which is very fitting. Meanwhile, I had joked to her a few weeks ago that 'if I started a blog I would call it "Two at a time" or "Demon Beasts from Hell". She decided on the name The Unorthodox Mom, as a bit of a pun since I technically AM "orthodox". What that means, however, is up to interpretation. Renegade Jews on the loose! In another way, it does somewhat explain my personality, since I don't usually follow the mainstream, but I'm not terribly against it either. Some things people do are stupid, and some things are ok. We'll talk about some of these ok things. (And maybe a little of the stupid things as well!)

Oy Vey! Can you believe this one had kids!?