The Passive Agressive Plague

There have been a number of things that have gotten me thinking about this topic lately, which culminated with a conversation with my friend Sarah. (See previous post for Sarah's blog and other links that related to this topic.) It seems that today we have a surplus of passive aggressive behavior which creates a lot of defensiveness. This might not be new information, but lets look at why this is happening.

People today live in a world with a thousand different styles and subcultures. They want to be accepted somewhere, and it sometimes takes a lot of work to get there. So when someone is 'in' a group, they keep others on the outside with catty remarks and attitude. It makes sense in some ways as a sort of initiation rite and keeping the clan together, but what ends up happening is that there are so many little divisions and each one wants others to know what they are all about while still being insular and secretive. It drives me mad. The reason they want others to know about them is so they are not misunderstood, or taken to look like another group that they are not. Here is a great example from a thread on Facebook about red laces on Doc Martin boots:

"I'm a black skinhead( I don't think I need to tell you where I stand, and those of you scratching your heads look it up on wikipedia) and I can tell you for sure if I wear any coloured laces or braces then it means that I like to accessorize. I did run across some dumb ass hipsters on the train who still think skins are racist. To this day, I regret giving them a good smack in the face for being so bloody stupid!"

Now, this is just one example of MILLIONS! The point is, many people wear colored laces to mean racism or a variety of things. So to an outsider, how can you tell, even WITH knowledge of all of these groups, what the person actually means!? Besides the fact that racist and non-racist skin heads dress a like, and I have yet to figure out why, and I have asked a few times before, you can't really be sure who you are looking at. He was nice enough to write back and explain a TON of information for me, which I am appreciative. But what I am highlighting on is just how hard it is to navigate through all of these subcultures and know how to regard them.

The thing is, many people don't even CARE about learning about this. This is a pretty obtuse example but that's part of why I chose it, because many people DON'T understand the real truth about it, as even I have more to learn. I totally think we should learn about others in their main culture and even sub cultures. But some subcultures piss me off for being so vague yet so demanding of us. Such as the second group, the hipsters, often do, and don't ever offer an explanation about who they are, because they DON'T know! Basically, a common frustration of this world is to be misunderstood which is especially bothersome when you actually stand for a deeply held belief. While we can't expect everyone to know all about us based on image, it is also wrong for people to assume they know it all because of that.

How does this tie in to my main point? Well everyday people today are OVERWHELMINGLY playing the passive aggressive card as a way to deal with these ambiguities. People don't know how to act towards anyone anymore so it is a way of "playing it safe". People want to insult someone, yet do it 'nicely' as it were, and also not look like too much of a jerk for being flat out rude, even though it is. It's become a skill to zing people in just the right way. (It also makes people come off as very snotty.) But it also becomes a cover. People often act rude and snide so that they can later cover it up and say they meant something else. This goes along with dirty looks and words being so delicate now that an argument can ensue over the details of words used or the tone or what the person really meant that was disguised. It becomes "talking about nothing". And then people wonder why they can't even remember what they argued about.

Long story short: No one is direct anymore. If you are too direct, you are seen as being rude and not having tact. And even I think a white lie is ok and that there is no need to blatantly tell everyone that you don't like their shirt or hair cut. It's not needed. Yet today we seem to dance around EVERYTHING because that's the way its done now. It's a complicated net of behavior that is difficult enough for adults to deal with, that when we throw children in the mix it's even worse. Fader recently posted a blog about O.D.D. which basically means an overly defiant child. I feel that in this society, how can we expect our children to behave and listen when they are surrounded by snippy remarks and insults!? The psychologist she interviewed even stated that it was an issue with parenting style. Bingo. And while I think we should criticize others less to avoid the passive aggressive pitfall, it's quite hard not to.

I am not immune to this behavior either. While we were talking we mentioned friends who are good at witty remarks and how funny it can be, especially when the other person is "asking for it". After that remark on the Red Laces thread, I checked out that guys page (I couldn't find any information on Wikipedia about his group either, by the way). I found that he was a member of Thanks to Ed Hardy I recognize morons right away. Now this was hard for me to resist! I don't like the idea of just being rude for no reason, not that I don't do it, but I don't like it. So here are a group of people that aren't even organized in themselves, but they all have a similar attitude that seems to be screaming "I'm cool!" even though to us, they seem like total style sluts and trend whores, and we're not even impressed. Joining this group, although mean, also shows a sort of defiance to the popular culture and the ability to judge for ourselves that we don't even like the way it looks to begin with. Here I am again using stupid words to justify my behavior, when I should in one way not even care at all.

After some time many people go from being on the style bandwagon to dissing something they previously liked. This is shown in the fact that the group has grown suddenly from a few hundred to a few thousand, and it keeps going. Now, I never liked this brand and I also try to not just scream insults at those who wear it for the sake of not being more of an ass than I need to be. I'm also not so worried about it that I have to advertise Ed Hardy immunity to make sure I don't become confused with the 'other', though in a way, joining was doing just that. (I thought it was funny enough though, so I did!) Although, I do see that sort of attitude with the "I'm not a hipster" sentiment, which even hipsters seem to have. Basically what this means is that people will not want to be part of a group and don't want to be confused with them, so they will speak about how they are not them. People have this urge to be accepted, by their group and others, yet they don't want to look like they are being elitist about it, even when they are.

This happens because while people seem so super self absorbed today, they are also increasingly concerned with what others think! This is obvious, but it seems contradictory. So to balance, people try to look less concerned to defend their egos, which comes off as pretentious and just keeps it going in a cycle. It also makes people seem impenetrable, and coupled with P-A attitude, they pretty much are!

I think one of the MAIN reasons people are so afraid to be who they are but deny it, is because there is SO MUCH HEARSAY going on! Because groups and individuals don't really know first hand about the 'other', so all you hear is negativity. You can plug any group into any of the examples above. For example, moms and non moms, like the Sirens article I linked. To Blog or not to blog. Each side has its aspect that would have some one turn their noses up. But the main issue is that its usually not true. Yes, there are "green yuppies" who are anal about every little thing and B-boys who act overly fly, but at the root, there is so much more to a person. We tend to brush this off because it is easier to label and think we know it all anyway, but we don't like it when it is done to us. I also think one of the most important things I've learned recently is that people actually try to do what is best for everyone else, even though it doesn't seem that way. Of course people are selfish creatures and some more than others, but we also have a very strong social urge, and when people do something opposite of us, it doesn't always mean their intention is opposite, even for Republicans!

Things are incredibly complex in today's world, but at the center, people are people and they feel similar things. I think its a bold step to try to lead on that rather than defense mechanisms and criticism because it brings the possibility of being hurt. But you don't have to be a martyr. Everyone can find a balance of being direct and nice, without being too vulnerable. I know I am one of the last places to find balance and harmony, and I'll be the first to admit I'm frazzled and extreme, and I do like that about myself. But I think we also need to try to relax when it comes to the 'other' and take some time to try to get to know the individual. (I think I am guilty of sometimes giving too much credit and being very xenophilic, but at least that's giving the benefit of the doubt.) Sometimes, yes, they will be a jerk to you. But at least you know that you took the time and chance to get to know someone (however small) while they are still stuck on their image and labeling others. (Of course, this is a defense mechanism yet again!) But if we just try to be a little nicer instead of on the defense, our daily interactions will prove much more fruitful. And when its all said and done, interaction is always better for our souls than alienation is for our ego.